I've been practically writing everyday for the past couple years. I'm going to keep this journal for myself now. I think starting off things became really rough and crazy because I did not know how others were forcing themselves upon me and how they wanted me to change to suit their wishes better. I'm okay and I totally forgive their attitudes with me. It's going to really difficult getting what I want, but I want to try it in a subtle manner that involves no yelling or insulting someone's intelligence. I realize that it's not my fault and that I could not be in control of the situation. I'm sort of smiling now because it's a wonderful struggle for me. I really still love people after all this drama that was forced upon me. I'm not mad anymore. I'm not feeling that adrenal rush anymore.

I keep on watching porn for some reason. I hate really doing this and then masterbating. God if there is some way of helping me to overcome this stupid incident, I would be so glad. Lord Jesus please forgive me for what I've done for being so blind to this situation. My mind is not really advocating what they are doing and I'm using porn for a different purpose of peeking deep into a female's body. Perhaps admiring the spouse more would be better and that you don't have this in mind for me yet to look at. With the sexual arousal in its bad days where the blood level is down, I worry that I won't be able to produce offspring, but each time I fail to see that I'm perfectly fine. For now on Lord, I'm going to stop looking at porn and will not forcefully peek into a female's body by spending time searching for it. The nudity that occurs in movies is just something that I will excuse because I'm going for being distracted with other arts in the movie. I know that I can handle the nudity, the sexual content, and when it really turns me on, I just to have to live with the fact that you are making me wait for the right person. Lord Jesus I know how I want to conduct my heart. I'm sorry for being selfish here Lord. I really desire this to be a part of my life. I pray Lord that you would be able to lead me here into a larger direction for a good blessing. Amen. I'm so tired and wasted my day today. I need to rest and try again this time with more decisiveness without carrying it out for so long. I'm just going to need to do it.

Maybe a switch should happen, I do things for myself and try to leave others out of it until you can verify that what I'm doing is perfectly fine.

Earl