Subtle Insults of Myself

A few e-mails feel really haunting. I've lived a social life of doing the best that I can and receiving unpredictable results. I'm starting to see people's hearts a little more clearly these days than I used to because I have refused to think back then, referring to my K-12 schooling period. It's really sad to figure out that my mom's main hope in working so hard was for me. I never knew that my mom could be so mad by being exhausted and be sarcastic in an abusive tone. It really hurt me to grow up with a few of those pains. I really had moments of wanting to please my mom by trying so hard and just not doing well enough to bring myself satisfaction. I remember having to battle with my inner being of balancing play vs. work. I went against my own moral judgement of playing enough and became worn out with studying. I think I exhibited this character because I wasn't naturally gifted at withstanding long periods of doing tedious work. I do recall having so much fun when I played games and sports with people. I didn't necessarily have the best physical shape because I took it literally in eating a lot as a kid. It became a passion for me to eat a lot, and I worried a few food preparers at parties by the amount of food I was taking. I became encouraged to eat so much food. I hardly thought about my health back then and I became really chubby. I became slower with my efforts of wanting to exercise because of all that unnecessary added weight and could have amounted to putting so much stress on my body that I stayed shorter than everybody else. That's pretty odd in that I would actually be the one to eat an abnormal amount of food and be so big on the waist like a 30 year old, regular size man would have at the age of thirteen. I weighed in at 180 pounds and was 4 ft 11 at the time. I was legally handicapped with an adult's weight at this age. Boy was I also showing off so much unconfidence because I thought that was the best thing for people to do. I believe I faked it so much by restraining myself that I actually convinced myself that I was always a quiet person. I really wasn't a quiet person because I remember asking so many questions to a friend who just said to shut up by telling me "I don't know". I remember having my heart-broken and that isn't good at all. I recall being in a depressed state and making people laugh with the stuff I was talking about. That's really wierd how I convinced myself that things weren't all right. Coming to this state of mind, I'm not too sure what to expect out of it. Things have been going pretty smoothly for me and now I see disruptions and a comfort zone that's dissipating. I'm starting to notice that I lack so much in discipline and randomly just saying this.
EYY